Strength

How hard are these last three days?

The hardest.

Ever.

Its taking a lot for me to stay on protocol today. With the combination of it being Friday {of a long weekend}, and extra check at work, I'm really craving the booze. And cheese. And carbs. In fact, my cravings are so strong that I almost talked myself into only doing 19 days of P2. 

Surprisingly, J was the one who told me I should stay on P2 and finish it out. J! He didn't want me to go on the diet in the first place. And now he wants me to stick it out? Maybe he's realizing how hot his girlfriend is when she loses some weight ;)

So, I'll suck it up. I have fish thawing. Veggies that need to be eaten. I don't even have anything to drink, so that helps. And fish and cheese don't mesh well. 

Saturday and Sunday. Then sweet cheese on Monday. Sunday will be a test, we're going to the folks for a barbeque. I offered to bring coleslaw, so I could at least know the amount of fat going in, haha.

.4 loss this morning. Better than 0.

=) 

Zip, Zilch, Nada

No movement on the scale this morning. Slightly disappointing. 

Although no loss is better than any gain.

I bought "Smooth Move" tea because, well, I don't get much fibre in my diet. I think that helped a lot yesterday. Perhaps it should be an every night beverage.

{Sorry for that tmi}

I calculated incorrectly yesterday, only four more days on P2. 

In other news, my new cereal is delicious! Cinnamon Pecan Special K. Oh so tasty.

Mas!

1.1 pound loss today. So much better than the .2 I'd been seeing the past two days.

Which brings the total weight loss up to 10.2 pounds.

Five (and a half) more days on P2. 

Then cheese. And liquor. Its ridiculous how much I've missed drinking...

A New Ten

Day 13

Weight: 159.6

Finally out of the 160s! Been a while since I've seen that number.

Eight days left on P2. I can see the light! I'm not losing as much as I had hoped to. But any loss is progress, and I'm accepting that a little more than I was earlier this week. The second week is notorious for being a slump, I'm hoping things pick back up next week. 

Other than my weight dropping, I'm noticing a few other changes about my body that I'm liking.

my double chin is gone {!}

my belt has gone down one hole, I can even tighten it to the next one smaller

my pants are definitely looser, even out of the dryer

my shirts are hanging slightly looser and flatter

i am gaining my flexibility back 

{that may or may not all be in my head}

my ribs and hip bones are more noticeable 

I still miss food, of course. Nothing will ever replace the glory that is cheese. But I'm learning some new recipes that aren't too bad. Tonight's dinner was tuna "cakes." They fell apart the second I took them out of the tin, but they tasted good nonetheless. I tried some butternut squash soup today for lunch {that I totally love, just not on protocol}. Keeping my fingers crossed that it didn't mess me up too badly.

I'm pondering the idea of doing a second round. After a break of course. It would be nice to get down to my high school size again. I keep pictures around just to remind myself. It serves as motivation.

On another note {I can't believe I'm about to say this} I can't wait to start working out again. It was a nice routine that I got into. I'm not the most active girl, but this sedentary thing isn't going well for me. Its been drilled into me that exercise = weight loss. It'll be nice to work out again and gain some more muscle. It's one thing to be skinny, it's another to be toned.

Say Cheese!

I am extremely proud to say, that I just handled a two pound block of cheese and didn't eat a 

single.

bite.

Now that's willpower baby. 

{cheese = weakness}

It is now Round 1, Phase 2, Day 10

Weight: 161.4

Total loss: -6.2 lbs

My loss was disappointing this morning. Only .2 pounds. I did try a meat substitute last night for dinner, so perhaps that was the culprit. I also didn't drink as much water as I am known to. But this made me so upset. I was a horror this morning. To work so hard and to have such little success was devastating. It's amazing how much it hurt to only see the scale creep down a measly .2 pounds. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't I have been proud? I was anything but.

But I suppose the only thing to do is keep on truckin. I can't give up now. I've come so far already. I have eleven days left on phase two. Then two days of diet and no drops. Then phase three. 

Just in time for my birthday =)

Ups and Downs

After losing so much, its a big hit to the ego when you gain. Even if it's only

half a pound.

It still hurts.

Last week I lost a total of 5 pounds. Pretty neat. 

Mother's Day was Sunday. Fams went to MacCool's. I did so good (so I thought). I ordered a beet salad, left the walnuts out, six cups of water, denied candy offered, and sucked down watermelon for dinner.

I guess you can overdo it on something as simple as watermelon.

So today I made certain I was right on target. Salads for lunch and dinner. Fruit "soup" for dessert. 

Add chopped strawberries and pineapples and one packet of stevia to a food processor. Add just enough water to make the fruit move. Blend until desired consistency.

I'm going to freeze it overnight and have it as a sort of sorbet tomorrow night.

I've noticed that I'm not eating as much as I should be. Sometimes I don't even reach the 500 calorie limit. I still feel some hunger pangs at times, but they subside quickly. 

Here's to hoping tomorrow morning is a better day.

Minus Two

Remember how I said I wished next report would have been a better loss?

Two.

Pound.

Loss.

Overnight.

Yeah, that's cool.

Cheese and bread can wait if this is going to continue =)

Four Days Down

So it's been four days on the Hcg diet. I've lost 1.8 pounds. Not as much as I expected, but it is that time of the month. Loss won't be as high for that week. Hopefully next week will show better results.

Some things I've noticed:

~my "smaller" button on my belt isn't as painful~

~I'm feeling full sooner~

~I'm drinking more water~

Unfortunately I'm also more tired and feel hungry sometimes. I also learned working out is not recommended. I don't want to break my habit I'm trying to create by sleeping in and forgoing exercise, so I'm slowing it down. Only 20 minutes of walking. 

And my cravings for {bad} food are insane.

Tonight's dinner was spectacular. I could have eaten the whole pan.

shrimp. frozen spinach. onion. celery. veggie broth. garlic. old bay.

.yum.

I hope next time there will be a bigger loss to report.

Hcg and an Update

Some things have happened since December.

.j lost his job.

.we lived with my parents.

.we both got jobs. 

.we had to put our harley to sleep.

.we moved to layton.

Neat huh?

But I've also started a new life change. I decided to start the Hcg diet. I'm tired of not loving my body. I'm tired of not being comfortable naked. I'm also impatient and don't want to do the safest diet and exercise way. So, I'm helping myself out. Giving myself a jump-start, so to say. I had a few friends do the diet, with great results. If they can, I can too.

It works by limiting calories to 500/day. The Hcg takes the fat deposits in your body and uses those for calories. I loaded for three days - eating more than normal while still taking drops. Today starts the diet.

Day One

Weight: 168.7

I'm hungry. Breakfast I had half a cup of cereal and half a cup of milk. They say feeling hungry will go away the longer I'm on the diet. 

I'm feeling the side effects of hunger, shaky, I'm sure I'll feel headachy. This should subside.

Didn't lose any weight over the weekend. 

Work out for today.

Plan on drinking lots of water today.

Hopefully I'll keep this up. And the blog!

Day Whatever through 15

Let's play catch-up shall we?

Today's {twelve} days of love will be in list format. 

I love.

buying and giving presents

my knowledge of sewing and my sewing machine

diet coke

that I have a job interview {with DCFS} on Tuesday

homemade bread

Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Ella Fitzgerald's holiday music

making people laugh

counting down the days til I go home

not doing my hair

my dog

my j

It was hard for me to love for a few days. The job search wasn't going well. Money was tighter than tight. {let's be real, it still is} j and I were getting more and more frustrated with each other. Our current jobs are irritating and pointless. Finding love wasn't my top priority. In fact, I sat down to blog one day, and I couldn't think of a single damn thing that I loved. Thats not a good place to be. 

But now off to conquer the world sew. Parents' xmass gift has a week to be completed {yeah right}. Pictures to come when its been gifted 

love.

day three

Fooooorrrrrrccce!!!!!!!

I totally do not want to write tonight. Like, I'm forcing myself to blog. I'm forcing myself to think of something I love. Why is it so much work tonight?

I had a pretty shitty day.

I'm tired.

I'm sick of being on the computer {say what?}.

I'm a cynical ass.

I was called by a company in Utah that I applied to. They offered me an interview. I told them I live in Texas. They told me the only do face-to-face interviews.

I cried.

They moved on.

Please don't let every phone call go that way...

Remember how on day one I said I loved my job? Big. Fat. Lie. I realized today how shitty it actually is. I realized that I do way more work than I'm paid for. I realized how much more I could be making. I know I should be thankful for having the job, but I've just got to bitch sometimes.

Talked to a friend who is trying to expand her family. Which made me think about all of my friends. All are married. Most are working on children {some their first, some their multiples}. And I'm over here like, I like my dog and wine.

Basically, its really hard to find something that I love today.

I do, however, love having a place to vent. I love that I have people who will {pretend to} listen to me. I love having this blog to write whatever the hell I want. All too often I let my frustrations out on those closest to me, J and the dog. This is something I'm trying to work on {note the vague-ness there}. I love having a constructive place to let out my emotions.

There.

Done.

rough.

day two

day two

my family

Given, right?

Sundays are my favourite days. I Skype my family every Sunday. I see my padre, mommy loo and Herm every Sunday. I laugh with my parents and brother every Sunday. Moving away has made me realize how much I really do love them. Of course I love my family, I'm supposed to right? They raised me, lived with me, supported me. 

But who else will join me in saying "ermergerd! kerfer werth lerker!" Who else will try to touch their tongue to their chin with me? {which I can do by the way} Once, after dinner was ate and dishes were clean we were all gathered around the counter with a cake box in the center. Herm started a beat on it, I added. Dad started beating in time. Mom looked at all incredulously, then joined in as well. This went on for pretty much a full minute until we all realized how ridiculous we looked. Come on, family drum circle time? It was stupid, funny, crazy, and wonderful.

I can't wait til I get to spend some time with those crazies again. December 23 is only 21 days away. Three weeks!

{maybe I'm the crazy??}

month of love: day one

As is obvious, I suck at blogging. 

Also, sometimes, I suck at life. 

I have a hard time being thankful for what I have, I have a hard time showing appreciation, I have a hard time thinking of things I love. Instead, I focus on things I don't have, things I hate, things that could be better.

But in reality, I don't have things all that bad. I mean, sure, I'm dirt poor and live in a {pretty much} foreign country, but things could be a hell of a lot worse.

So I'm starting this month with a purpose. I want to focus on things I love. I want to challenge myself to find something I love every day. Something different. Something {hopefully} not materialistic.

Day 1

my job

So I don't particularly love my job, its definitely nothing special. But I have one. I make money. Its not a lot, but its money. Its hard to be a college graduate working for eight an hour at a mall. But I am more fortunate than the mother of three who waits tables. Or the disabled veteran who can't find work. Or the minority worker picking vegetables in the hot summer sun. I am fortunate that I work in an air conditioned, clean building. I am fortunate in knowing that my job won't unexpectedly end. I am fortunate in having co workers that I {mostly} get along with.

Hopefully, by the end of this month, I won't be quite the cynical asshole that I am now.

Rock the Damn Boat

Taking a break from my dishes to enjoy a little white zin, apples and cheddar, and blogging. I think this makes two days in a row? Pretty sure that's a record.

I wanted to write about a discussion I had on fb with a previous teacher of mine. He happens to be my favourite teacher of all time, and a very good friend. I believe he was my favourite because he wasn't the same as the rest of my high school teachers. He was irreverent, left-leaning {in lectures, in private he does more than lean to the left}, let us watch John Stewart in class, and had us call him "Massa" {mostly jokingly}. Not to mention he and J would get along great if we had more contact.

He recently said that he was denied an English position in his high school. It wasn't due to his lack of qualifications or knowledge. It was because he didn't fit the mold. He was told he would

rock the boat

not be a team player

not play well in the sand box

yes, directly quoted

What???

Am I the only one who sees a problem here? The heads of the English department of his school are naturally members of the predominant church. This isn't an outright discrimination based upon religion, but what else is it? I hate that he is assumed that he has nothing to offer because he doesn't fit their mold. When did lifestyle become a qualification for job positions?

This bothers me for two reasons. A: I hate seeing people I care about be treated poorly and without respect just because they don't fit into the mold the others created. And 2: Teaching is my backup plan if social work doesn't pan out the way I hope. Whereas I am moving back to Utah for a while, I have a right to be concerned being one who "rocks the boat." Will I be denied positions because I have a left wing view on life? Will I be treated differently because I wasn't married in their temple?

Disclaimer: Not all members of this church are judgmental like the ones mentioned above. I have some very good friends who wouldn't deny me a chance because I don't belong. But the few who do act as such give them a very poor name.

Perspective

You know the saying you never know what you have til it's gone?

So. Fucking. True.

Living and growing up in Utah, I hated it.

cold, mountains, snow, religion, lack of diversity, school systems, small towns

Turns out those are the very things I miss and long for. Upon moving to Tejas, I expected to love the warmth, the flat landscape, the different town. I thought I would be happy never seeing snow again. I thought I wouldn't mind the landscape being flat. I expected there to be more diversity than Utah.

Remind me again why this is attractive?

My three months down here have shown me otherwise. I miss 

bundling up in sweaters

seeing the snow fall softly on the ground

crunching the leaves beneath my feet

seeing my breath in the morning

cooking warm soups

the cool temperatures

seeing clouds roll in over the mountains

being close to everything

the sense of pride in community

Texas has none of those. The past few weeks have been in the 70s and 80s, even dipping into the 90s at times. The landscape is so flat I can't find my way around anywhere. I need those landmarks to tell me which direction to go. Sure, there aren't as many mormons down here, in fact, I have yet to meet one. But everything is about church. And everyone here is so politically red it makes my face red. If you count half Mexican and half white diverse then yeah, there is diversity. But I'll be damned if I can't get any Indian food or sushi down here. 

I know I seem like I complain all the time. But the truth is, I'm sad here. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I never thought I would say this in a million years, but I miss my Utah home.

Fuck It Friday

Ever have those days where you just want to say "fuck it" to everything? Eat granola out of the box, let the dishes sit another day, throw your hair in a bun on the top of your head and wear the same thing you slept it.

me too.

What would make today even better is if I could actually do all those things.

But today is Friday. Gotta get down. Fun fun fun.

{with the dishes}

I've been reading other {read: cooler} blogs than mine a lot lately. These women got their shit together. Like, posting every day, following goals set for themselves, writing things people actually want to read. Some of the blogs I follow {this one in particular} has an awesome scheduled post every Wednesday. I would love to have a set post that allows me to write the same thing every day of the week. 

That would hopefully hold me accountable for posting more often. Kinda like posting pictures everyday, hah!

{on a sad side note, my camera on my phone doesn't work properly}

Suggestions are being taken at this time.

streak

Ever notice how I get on these blog streaks where I'm really good about blogging every day, catching up on other's blogs, I'll even add a blog or two to my list to read. And then its

gone.

I suppose its because I rarely have anything exciting to say.

My life doesn't seem to be going anywhere at this moment. I'm working a minimum wage job, living in a town I hate, and spending way too much money on things I need (food, gas, laundry). 

I spend too much time on pinterest wishing I could make everything on there. I eat unhealthy food more than I should. I exercise less and less. I complain a lot. Most of the time I just want to sleep.

{but}

I have the cutest dog ever.

{and}

My boyfriend is pretty great.

Speaking of the boyfriend, he's awake =)

bright

{post box}

{bright}

So I was a day behind. But I actually took the pictures on the appropriate day.

I feel like if I actually write about anything it'll be totally boring and dull.
One day I'll come up with something.
hah.

far away

{far away}

his hand is never very far away

This one was a stretch considering I didn't leave the house to take pictures of anything.

Sometimes ya just need a lazy day.

We've been looking around at places we want to live next. All I can think of is getting far away from here. 

hawaii

portland

seattle

virginia

north carolina

northern california

father

{day two}

my fabulous daddy.

Had to use an older picture today. This one is from about 3 years ago. He hasn't changed looks much =) And I'm a-ok with that.

Its hard being without my daddy some days. He was always around for me to vent to, laugh with, bitch with, and rant at me. 

{most of his lectures turned into rantings}

Sometimes I worry about him. He works harder than his body lets him.

I love our skype times together. Sometimes I call when I have a silly question just so I can talk to him about other things.

Most times I cry when I think about how much I miss him.

{I'll end the sad post here}